of five minutes

Five Minute Friday.
Five minutes to write, just let it out, no editing, no second-guessing.


Today's word: Risk

My heart pounds, thundering in my chest. Words that need to be said tumble around in my head. Justice drives me. Fear holds me back. Adrenaline rushes through my system, stress building.

And that's just with the thought of what I need to do.

There's still the action to come.

I hate risk. I hate speaking up. I hate confrontation.

It's never felt like it helped.

But sometimes, sometimes you just have to. Regardless. If no one speaks up, the things that are wrong can't and won't be addressed.

But still. Still. Still.

And go.

Today's word was especially relevant for me, with what's been swirling around us the last little while. I've hinted a bit at it in previous posts... church politics are never pretty. And it's even more difficult to deal with when you actually really genuinely *like* all of the people involved. On all sides of the issues.

Life sucks sometimes. We deal. And I'll be having a difficult conversation sometime soon. Sigh.

Linking up with Lisa-Jo...

of the end of april: a recap

Another month just flew by. It boggles my mind that this year is one third finished. I'm glad that spring has arrived, though. It's my favourite.

This month I...

Retreated.
Well, I went away sans family for the better part of four days. Ahhhh, that was refreshing. It's something I need to do every once in a while.

Read lots.
Among others, I read the first three Jack Aubrey/Steven Maturin books by Patrick O'Brian (you may have seen Russell Crowe (yum) in Master and Commander: Far Side of the World). The books were a bit slow, and a tad heavy on the technical/sailing side, but I enjoyed them. Every once in a while there would be a statement that would make me laugh out loud with its dry, unexpected wit. Now I just need to slowly accumulate the other ten or so books in the series. 
Also, I re-read a few of Dorothy Sayers' Lord Peter Whimsey books. That's always a treat... her characters are so very appealing in their humanity.
A new author for me is Rennie Airth. I read his trilogy of crime/suspense books, set between post-WWI and mid-WWII in rural Britain and found them rather enjoyable.

Took a lot of photos.
As I may have mentioned once or twice, I've got a new smartphone with a very capable little camera. Now I'm never without the means of snapping a picture (...unless I've forgotten to bring my phone along...). Instagram is my new favourite thing.

Watched some TV.
Once Upon A Time has been fabulous. I can not wait to see how it all plays out, and I'm already mourning the end-of-season that is right around the corner. I do, however, dread the possibility that next season won't live up to this one. I've seen so many shows start out well and then just sink to utter dreck within a few years.
Castle is always a favourite. I love Nathan Fillion. And having Adam Baldwin guest on the show last week was pure fun! And this week there were zombies. I ask you, can it get better than that? Quote of the week: "It's time to holster the lasers and be adults." Awesome.
Also, Eureka is back again with the other half of the season (what is with the weird scheduling of some of these shows??)
And, of course, NCIS.

Cooked/ate. Paleo.
Still going with the paleo thing... have lost a few pounds, which is good, but more importantly, my brain chemistry seems to have improved. I feel like I'm a lot more emotionally level. Not so many mood swings. I'm liking it.

Sewed.
I bought a few purse/bag patterns from Keyka Lou. I like her designs a lot - they're cute, easily adaptable, and simple to make. Also, she allows people to sell things made from her patterns (as long as they're hand-made, not mass-produced) which I may actually start to do soon.

Made pottery.
Two evenings a week of classes. It was a bit much, and I'll be going back to just one night a week after this session is over with. I've been improving, though, and have made some pretty things. Glazing happens this week, and then I'll soon have a bunch of new things to show. (Which reminds me, I still haven't posted pictures of the last batch... better get on that soon!)

Schooled.
Ambleside Online Year 1 is still going well... when we do it. I'm soooo not motivated to do school every day, but we're pushing through. I still haven't decided if we'll keep going through the summer or not... it might be better to keep the routine going so we don't lose it entirely.

Pondered.
Many things. Like blogging, and what to talk about. Like God, and my relationship with him (it's complicated). Like prayer, and how I've realize that I don't really believe in it. Like how an introvert (me) fits into an extrovert-rewarding society. Like what my dreams are, and why they should matter. Many things, for which I have few answers.


So, that's a glimpse of my April. And while I wrote all this, May has arrived. Happy May Day!!

one of my favourite things about spring... wild flowers in the evening sun.

Five Minute Friday: Good-bye

Five minutes. Just write. Don't edit.
Here goes:

Good-bye.

It's never enough, the last time you say good-bye. So many words, so many thoughts, all inadequate.

So final, it is. So immutable.

I took a walk this morning in the fog; down the hill, past the dew-speckled fields, through the gap in the hedge to the cemetery.

There were so many more flowers there today than usual. Because of Easter, I suppose... we hope for the resurrection; cling to the promise that we were not meant for death.

Walked past where my Daddy is buried... missed him again, all over again, hole in my heart aching for all that was, and all there was meant to be but won't be. Regretted the things I meant to say but never did... remembered the day we said good-bye.

Linking up at the gypsy mama

five minutes: rest

Sometimes it sneaks up on me, this need, this compulsion, and my eyes close in spite of myself and I rest. I rest, and everything fades, and there is just me, cradled, comforted, healed.

Sometimes I plan ahead, and there is a nest, and I cocoon myself, shut the world out. I make space, and I rest.

More often than not, though, the voices persist. Conversations with myself. Plans. Needs. But how about...? And then...? Or what if...?

I have, at times, envied the monastics. It seems that it would be easier to be still and just focus on God, when you are living a life that is set apart.

I have, however, chosen a different life. A life that includes a husband. Kids. Homeschooling. Cooking. Cleaning. Interminable laundry.

I need to learn how to stop the cacophony that exists in my head. Learn to be still. To wait. To listen. Learn to really rest in the midst of all that needs to be done.

What I'm into... August.

linking up with the ever-fascinating Megan at SortaCrunchy...

August. Last day.
Seriously?? Only four months left in this year???
Yikes!!

So, here's what I've been into this month.

What I'm reading:
Still (slowly) working my way through One Thousand Gifts. This woman slays me. I have to read a chapter and then put the book away, and then come back and re-read it. And then read it again. And again.

Georgette Heyer. Regency novels at their finest. I found an omnibus edition with five of her stories in it at the thrift store.

Terry Pratchett. Discworld novels. I love biting, witty, dark humour.

What I'm watching:
Eureka. Sci-fi geekery. I'm sad that there's only one season left.

That's it for TV these days... and no movies either this month.

What I'm listening to:
I pine for silence. My kids always have something playing... don't know what it is most of the time... I treasure the quiet moments.

What I'm making:
Pots. As in pottery. Thrown on a wheel.

Pictures. My 365 project bit the dust, but I'm still experimenting with my camera. And loving it.

What's cooking:
Tapioca in the crockpot. Salads of all kinds. Corn on the cob. Macarons. Sushi-shaped caked rolls. Cinnamon buns. Bread-and-butter pickles (3 dozen jars).

The only thing I'm not doing (that I should be) is menu-planning. Generally these days, 5:00 finds me polling the family. "What do you want for dinner?" Not the best way to be doing things.

Blog reading:
This month I pared my Google reader down drastically. Like, there used to be 400 blogs on the list, and now there's 75. Hmmm. That still sounds like a lot...

Pinterest:
It takes up more of my time than I care to admit. But now at least I've got a plan. It involves me actually *doing* some of the things that I find there. Which is cool. And fun.

What I'm looking forward to next month:

• school is starting up... and for the first time in 15 years, I've only got one in school. Hooray!! Boxes of school books have been arriving on our doorstep the last couple of days - I'm really excited about doing Grade 1 with Ellie this year.
• rehearsals begin in earnest... I'm thrilled to be playing Mrs. Darling in Peter Pan.
• the continuation of pottery classes... it's been a real challenge for me, and I think I'm finally getting it.

five minutes: older

Older. Yes, I definitely am.
There's grey in my hair. Surprisingly lots of it.
My knees creak when I climb stairs.
My back aches in the mornings.
There are crows feet beside my eyes, and wee lines at the corners of my mouth.

But on the inside?

Not so much.

I look at 'older' people... not the *old* older ones, but the ones that look like me... and I wonder when I'm going to feel like I fit in with them. I wonder when I'll feel like I've attained the wisdom that supposedly comes with my years. Because, on the inside, I'm still uncertain. Still trying to figure things out.

On the inside, I'm still about 21.

five minutes: new

It can be a curse, this magpie brain, this thing that can't hold onto things long enough to let them take root and grow. This brain that is like a sponge, absorbing everything, only it's set inside a colander so that thoughts just pass through, leaving faint memories of moisture.

Look! Something shiny!

I thought that I was being clever. Calling myself a crow. Calling this place the corvidarium - a crow in a fishbowl. I think maybe it was my depression associating itself with the darkness. Black calls to black.

But the other is the more basic truth.

I'm constantly looking for something new. Different. Better. More fulfilling. Shinier!

Only now, I'm being called to something new. Deeper. Focused. Settled.

Time to grow up.

five minutes of focused writing... no editing, no worrying about perfection; just fingerpainting with words.

5 minutes. still.

Still my heart.
Slow the beats that thunder through me.
Calm my soul with the knowledge that there is nothing that I can do.
I rest.
Secure.

Still my mind.
The questions race, the possibilities expand, the not-knowing threatens.
Calm my soul with the reassurance that I am not in charge.
I rest.
Protected.

Still my hands.
The motions of the day have become automatic, frantic, unceasingly demanding.
Calm my soul with the awareness that my imperfect efforts are enough.
I rest.
I rest.

Found: my mojo

It seems that I'm fated to go through a couple of weeks each year, when all I can do is function; usually maintaining a smile on my face, but still, just the bare minimum.

Assemble your supplies: a butt-ugly clock that you once thought was so cool;
a handful of paint chips and something to cut them with; glue; (not shown) paint;
a paintbrush; (also not shown) something to use as a topcoat - like modpodge

Remove the clock hands if you can (or just work around them... mine didn't come off).
Cut the paint chips to size (I did 2" square) and glue them down,
trimming the center ones around the clock mechanism.

A time when I have nothing extra to give.

After the glue has dried, trim the edges and sand them smooth.
I also sanded down the top, to smooth the edges of the paint chips
where they were sticking up a bit.

Also I like the distressed look.

Mostly it seems to happen during the dark winter months. I thought I'd staved it off this year. Apparently I only postponed it.

Add a light coat of paint: I used Golden's Titan Buff... I painted on a section
and then rubbed it off, leaving a very thin coat.

Add whatever decoration you like: I painted the bird silhouette
and then sanded it down as well. Stamp on the numbers,
and add a protective topcoat.

 I think I'm back now. We'll see.

Here's the clock in my newly-tidied sewing room.

another birthday

 21 years ago I became a mom.

I have now been a mom for half of my life. How odd.

I can't fathom a life without my kids.

They alternately frustrate me, surprise me, make me laugh, break my heart, stun me with their awesomeness, fill me with joy.

I would not be the person I am, had I not had them in my life.

I love them. All of them.

But this one here, she was the first one to make me realize that I was forever changed.

shrove tuesday and other stuff

Whew!! I'm back!

Our two-week run of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is now finished.

I have my life to myself again, and I don't know what to do with it. I've been so focused on the play, and now that it's over, I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to be doing.

It was a fabulous experience, though. The acting was all very well done, even the younger kids who were part of it. The costumes and makeup were great. The sense of community that grew up between us all was something that I've rarely experienced before. All almost-40 of us became friends. Truly. And as far as I know, that is not typical within a production.

But, it's over. Time to move on, and get back into a normal life-rhythm.

And today is Shrove Tuesday. Also known as Pancake Tuesday. Because today is the day that, traditionally, we're to use up all of the food that we won't be eating during the 40 days of fasting for Lent. Things like butter and eggs. Hence the pancakes.

Our family tradition doesn't include observing Lent, but I personally have, for the last few years, given up something at this time of year... like sugar, or specific computer activities, or TV. I still haven't decided what it will be this year...

Regardless of that, though, we do eat pancakes for dinner on Shrove Tuesday. A huge stack of crepes, generally. Especially since I found an essentially fool-proof recipe for them.

Basic Crepes
adapted slightly from allrecipes

1 cup flour
2 eggs
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup water
1/4 tsp salt
2 Tbsp melted butter

Beat eggs lightly, then mix in milk and water. Gradually whisk in flour and salt to make a smooth batter, then whisk in melted butter.
Heat a lightly oiled griddle or frying pan over medium high heat. Pour or scoop the batter onto the griddle, using approximately 1/4 cup for each crepe. Tilt the pan with a circular motion so that the batter coats the surface evenly.
Cook the crepe for about 2 minutes, until the bottom is light brown. Loosen with a spatula, turn and cook the other side. Serve hot. Makes approx 8 crepes.

And that's it. We like to eat them with homemade applesauce, or strawberries and whipped cream, or sugar and lemon juice, or peanut butter and sliced bananas, or maple syrup, or jam... the possibilities are endless. They're even fabulous with a savoury filling - sausage/onion/mushrooms, or creamed chicken, or cheese.

daybook

I'm so not motivated to blog these days... life is very busy, though it mostly seems as though nothing is ever accomplished. It's depressing. So here's my fill-in-the-blanks attempt to get back into it.

TODAY

Outside my window... a blustery wind. This morning it was pouring rain. The weather is never boring at this time of year.

I am thinking... about love. And letting go. And sacrifice. And growing up.

I am thankful for... friends. tea with lemon. a car that runs. chocolate. jeans that fit. new books to read.

From the learning rooms... Ellie loves math best of all. And she's developing into a rather good artist. She sketched a mug today, from several different viewpoints. I was quite impressed.

From the kitchen... soup. ahhhhh, soup. Greek red lentil, today. so good.

I am wearing... warmth. not fashion.

I am creating... costumes. Yes, it is that time of year again. Drama time. This year, it's The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Right now I'm working on Aslan's costume.

I am going... round in circles. And, predictably, getting dizzy.

I am reading... stacks and stacks of books. Being sick seems to open up time for that - not much motivation for anything beyond lounging around on the couch. I just finished reading Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card. Loved it.

I am hoping... for sunshine.

I am hearing... silence. At last. I crave it; wait for it all day long.

Around the house... a mess. We've all been sick, in turns; not much has been done. I will have to work like a maniac tomorrow, though, because we have guests coming in the evening. Fortunately they are friends, and I don't feel the need to impress them...

A few plans for the rest of the week:

• menu planning and grocery shopping
• a photo walk : I've heard that we're supposed to get sunshine on Wednesday
• sorting and purging one room... to start with. I'm frustrated with how quickly stuff accumulates.

Here is picture that I am sharing...

not a terribly great photo... my attempt at finding beauty in all this rain...

More daybook pages can be found here.

another year begins

It seems like time just keeps on racing faster and faster. A year used to seem like eternity. Summers stretched out forever; winters (once they arrived) never wanted to loose their hold and make way for spring. Now it feels like I just turn around and suddenly it's a new season. I can't think what it will feel like when I'm old - something akin to a whirlwind, I imagine.

I'm not one for making big plans or resolutions at the new year. It feels artificial. If there's something that needs to be changed, why should I wait til a certain day and hype it up. Just do it, right?

That being said, I am starting a new thing today. Partly in an effort to get to know my new camera, partly to improve my photography skills, partly to be more intentional about documenting my day-to-day life, I am beginning a 365 photo project. A photo a day, posted here. Hopefully I can stick to it... I know that there will be days... weeks?... when it'll feel like a chore. There will be days that I just can't post for whatever reason. I won't feel guilty about back-dating if necessary, just so you know! I'm excited to find out what it will look like - to see what it will be that catches my eye on a regular basis.

Also, I've been pondering a new "word" for the year. Last year, though I don't think I ever really put it out there in public, my word was believe. It came from a random thought that popped into my head one night, and has remained in the background of mostly everything that I've done throughout the year. Often it became a conscious choice in the face of my own self-doubt. And as a result, I see myself a lot differently now than I did a year ago. I don't limit myself as much as I did. I allow myself to look for possibilities rather than telling myself that other people can do it better than me, so why should I even bother. I like it.

And this year, I think that it's time to put some feet to those hard-won beliefs. Time for action. Time to do the things that I know I can do.

So, here goes!

looking back

I just spent a large chunk of the morning looking through my files of photos for this year. How utterly satisfying!

2010 has definitely been a good year.

Not that there haven't been hard times... but overall, the memories are happy.

Several overnight trips away, just Ray and me... a return to acting after several years... my in-laws' 50th anniversary celebration... my mom's wedding... happy family together-times...

I'm happy. Joyful, even.

sunshine and shadows

sunshine and rain over the ocean

SAD.

Need I say more?
This time of year is fraught with emotional ups and downs for me. I hate being so dependent on the weather.

The older I get, the easier it is to recognize. If I don't get enough sunshine, I find it hard to function. Hard to make it through a day. Hard to put one foot in front of the other. Hard to force myself to do the things that need to be done.

I've been supplementing with Vitamin D, when I remember. I don't know if it helps. And when the sun shines, I make sure to get my sad self out of doors. Because it's amazing how happy I feel when I do!

daybook

Today...

Outside my window... it is surprisingly warm. If I walk outside and close my eyes, I almost think that it is spring again. Then I open my eyes, and I'm swiftly disillusioned. It's definitely fall out here.

I am thinking... wait, no I'm not. I'm functioning on auto-pilot.

I am thankful for... the chance to have all of my kids home for the weekend. Even though they drive me crazy sometimes, I love them all.

From the learning rooms... we're getting ready for a week with "How to Make an Apple Pie and See the World". Pie will definitely be made. And eaten.

From the kitchen... Maple Orange Granola, and vegan Triple-Ginger Cookies. Oh my!

I am wearing... my favourite thrifted Japanese double gauze shirt. I never understood the appeal of double gauze fabric til I found this shirt. Now I need to buy some more and make myself some more clothes from it.

I am creating... more clothes from Sewing Clothes Kids Love. My goal is to make one item a week.

I am going to... continue on with my running program. I really want to conquer week 4 already... this will be my 5th week doing it.

I am reading... ExtraVeganZa (where I found the recipes for the afore-mentioned granola and cookies. I think I'm going to have to buy this one!)

I am hoping... for miracles.

I am hearing... rifles firing, "need a medic!", and "dynamite planted", as my husband plays Enemy Territory. An ironic choice of game for a nice Mennonite boy...

Around the house... I'm still in the midst of sorting and rearranging. There are piles of things everywhere. I just want to grab my knitting and run away to a peaceful tidy place.

One of my favorite things... is to snuggle up on the couch with a blanket and a book, listening to the rain outside, knowing I don't have to go anywhere.

A few plans for the rest of the week:

• choir on Monday, drama on Wednesday; as always
• a trip to the apple orchard to pick apples for pie

Here is picture I am sharing...

a bouquet of fall flowers - I love the pinks and reds.

More daybook pages can be found at the Simple Woman's Daybook.

daybook

FOR TODAY
Outside my window... again, the dark. This time, also, there is rain. It beats incessantly, mindlessly, an unceasing tapping on the glass, begging to come in.

I am thinking... that there are only three months til Christmas, and if, as in other years, I intend to give hand-made gifts, I had better get started on at least the planning stages now.

I am thankful for... good friends. Salted chocolate. A comfortable chair.

From the learning rooms... furniture has been re-arranged. Books have been collected. And we are still having fun!

From the kitchen... I am learning how to prepare two meals at each mealtime. I have now switched from eating raw to vegan, so I'm being mindful of what I can eat as well as what the rest of the family prefers.

I am wearing... warm clothes again... long sleeves, woolly socks, my old hole-y slippers.

I am creating... a Feliz dress for Ellie, from pink baby-wale corduroy and brightly coloured quilting fabrics.

I am going to... start making lists of things I need to do. I'm feeling the need to be more purposeful.

I am reading... recipe books. Vegan ones.

I am hoping... and hoping.

I am hearing... promises.

Around the house... a mess. Re-organizing and re-arranging will do that.

One of my favorite things... spicy chai. Now, I make it with almond milk. It's not the same.

A few plans for the rest of the week:

• choir practise
• an overnight visit from a friend
• a home visit from our homeschool teacher/liason

Here is a picture that I am sharing...

sunshine for a rainy day

More daybook links can be found at the simple woman's daybook.

Thanks for reading :)

busy as a bee

It felt very strange, not to be blogging the last couple of days.

Things have been very busy... I've been trying to get lots of things done outdoors while the weather is still nice.

I'm also hoping to have my new sewing room/area ready for pictures in a couple of days. Much progress has been made in the sorting/organizing/tossing/giving side of things. I didn't realize exactly how much fabric and yarn I actually own. And yet, when there is a project I want to do, I still don't have what I need. How does that work, do you think???

Happy Canada Day!

I kind of fell off the planet for a while. And oddly, I probably wouldn't be posting right now were it not for the fact that my brain won't let me leave a June header on the top of my blog when it's now July. Hooray for kicks in the pants!

Life has been interesting. As always. Sometimes that's fine, sometimes not so much. I've been busy with projects, but none of them are finished yet, and everything is in such a state of flux that I don't know whether I'm coming or going most of the time. How did I think that life would get easier when I "grew up"? (And speaking of that, when, exactly, do I attain that blissful state? I'm still waiting...) And worse, how did I think that things would get easier and less complicated as the kids got older???

gone, gone away

This feels very strange indeed. My eldest child has left the family nest... flown the coop... headed off into the great unknown. Well, she's moved out to her Grandma's house, anyhow. I don't know what to think.